Today is going to be another shit pile on top of my already shit week. I can already tell.
A student who is usually nice to me gave me attitude this morning because of the dress code. My room is freezing cold for the third day in a row because maintenance still hasn’t gotten around to fixing it.
Also my undiagnosed ptsd has been killing me slowly this week. Triggers everywhere. I don’t expect people to understand. I would never hope that they would. It’s been 9 months and the pain feels as fresh as if it happened yesterday.
I can’t sleep.
My area hasn’t seen snow in 10 Years and I am getting a 2 hour delay to work because we might get some tonight… but that’s not why I can’t sleep.
My body is all tense and achey because of the cold… but this still isn’t why i can’t sleep.
I can’t sleep because I had a nightmare last night. I was pregnant again and there was blood and clots everywhere. I was crying and trying to make it stop but eventually I woke up. I got ready for work and my memorial necklace for my stillborn son got caught on the water faucet when I leaned into the counter. While I walked around the house my necklace snapped and fell to the ground shattering at my feet and sending pieces flying across the floor. The cold weather is making the spot of where I had my epidural in hurt badly. Today has been mentally draining but I’m afraid to go to sleep.
Hubby is still asleep. I’m gonna poke at him and tell him I’m hungry.
One of my students today asked me how I can do my eyeliner so perfectly and I swear I almost cried.
Years of practice little one. I was her age when I first started wearing eyeliner. 12.
Making stuffed bell peppers. So ready to eat. I feel so hungry D:
Some people just need to think about what they say before they open their mouths. Welp! That’s my cue to end the day.
My hair will be all black again. I have to color away the pink because of work… Oh the sadness of working in a school! But… The upside is I will be getting paid and have weekends and summer off!
Today is a bittersweet kind of day. It’s been two months since I gave birth to my sleeping baby and while I am doing better I still hurt when I see things that were meant to be his. Today also happens to be one of my nephews birthdays. So I have to go to his birthday party and be happy and normal, which I am because I love my nephew, but I also hurt. I’m just sad my baby will never meet his cousins… He would have had so much fun with them. I’m sure they would have gotten him into so much trouble seeing as he would be years younger than they are. Even the thought of what could have happened makes me smile and cry. I know that even if today will be hard I will still be able to genuinely smile and get lost in the moment. I’m happy I can do that without feeling guilty. My son would not want to have a mopey and depressed mom. I need to start doing right by him. I’m entering one of my writings about him as a contest submission to see if it will be published.
For all mothers of miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death, there is an opportunity for you to honor your children by submitting poetry, prose, illustrations for a book inspired by the Return to Zero movie.
Best of luck to you beautiful people. I think participating in things like this not only spreads awareness that this happens more than people believe but it also allows us to have our voices heard.
So on Thursday we got a surprise visit from an ex-friends girlfriend near midnight. After carefully assessing threat level we let her in. I live in the middle of nowhere and my doorbell rang ok… I had my hand ready to call the cops. She’s lucky we didn’t assemble the shotgun before we answered.
She wanted to hear our side of the story about what happened last month. After hearing our side she actually sided with us. We had just lost our baby and her boyfriend was being an asshole. She wanted us all to talk again and she thought the base reason for the fight was silly. Which it was. Fucking mermaids.
In short we are upset at this guy because he was being disrespectful, self-centered and completely inconsiderate of what we were going through and didn’t understand we wouldn’t care about fucking mermaids.
So his gf went home with this new found knowledge and talked to him and he told her HE is not ready to forgive.
I laughed so hard when I saw that message. I never said I was going to apologize. Not one. I’m not going to. He called my husband a hypocrite (among other things)and demanded he fix his computer. He got pissy when we told him we just didn’t care about what he was talking about and then he called out people who “didn’t care to do the research” lazy. I just lost my first born son you inconsiderate ass. I was battling the bacterial infection that killed my son and was threatening my own life. My husband was busy mourning and worrying about losing his wife as well. So when my husband did the research to prove this jerk wrong this guy got offended and started calling my husband names. Are you kidding me? YOU are not ready to forgive. FUCK YOU. I stand by every word I told you. You still need a fucking reality check you self centered prick.
I’m never going to apologize to you but I was willing to forgive YOU if you did. I’m leaning towards never talking to your arrogant ass again.
I was so tempted to tell your girlfriend all the shit you talked about her too. Just so she could see what you really think about her and who you really fucking are. I haven’t though because I’m a better person than that. Oh, and also because I don’t give a shit about you.
So the last time I saw my grandma (who is practically my mom) I had my hair in a bun and it was blonde at the tips. My sister asked if I was hiding my hair not to upset her and I actually didnt realize it. I was to busy sweating balls packing our old house up to worry. I told My grandma I was going to color it pink and purple on the bottom and she got mad at me and said no. Being the person I am I did it anyway. So when I saw her yesterday I was a little worried but she loves it. She was actually bummed out when I told her I was going to have to dye it black when I went back to work. Haha. I love my grandma. I’m going to be So sad when she moves to Florida next week.